Raising a girl can be a blessing and a challenge all at
once. Girls can be enjoyable and yet so difficult at times. As I think about
raising daughters, lines from the song “Maria” in the classic movie The Sound of Music come to mind. “…She
is gentle! She is wild! She's a riddle! She's a child! She's a headache! She's
an angel! She's a GIRL!” Girls are so lovable and yet not always likeable.
As a mother of
five daughters, I certainly love them
all deeply and unconditionally. But it didn’t take long to realize I didn’t
necessarily always like them. For
instance, one of my girls talks excessively. This little one reminds me of the continued
“Maria” lyrics, “When I'm with her I'm
confused, out of focus and bemused and I never know exactly where I am…”
while another daughter is highly emotional and “Unpredictable as weather, she's as flighty as a feather…” The
other three deal with everything from hyperactivity, “how do you make her stay, and listen to all you say…” to overly
opinionated, “many a thing you know you
ought to tell her…” to stubbornness “…many
a think she ought to understand.”
So, assuming
there may be another mother out there that has admitted she doesn’t always like
her daughter, here are a couple of things that are helping me on this journey
of liking my lovables. First off, choose
to like her. The story of old “Mr. Jones” comes to mind. After his wife
passed away, Mr. Jones needed to move into a nursing facility. Upon arrival,
the nurse walked him down the hall on his way to his room. She said, “Mr.
Jones, we have prepared the room for you and we will see how things are when
you get there.” He answered, “I already like it!” “But you haven’t seen it.”
“No, but I have decided that I will like it!” And we can do the same as
mothers. We can decide to have the attitude of accepting our children no matter
what. This resolve can drive us steadily forward through the challenges that
may lie ahead. I am determined to like my girls.
Secondly, remind yourself how undesirable you have
been. I can think of dozens of my behaviors that weren’t what they should
have been. I don’t even know how my dear mother made it through all my
questions in elementary school, my emotions in junior high, and my dominating
attitude in high school. Furthermore, as an adult, I still have moments of
less-than-admirable actions. None of us are completely likeable at all times. This
very thought causes me to give grace to my daughters. And just as most of us
know when we are being unacceptable, our children may be in tune with their own
awareness of their behaviors yet may not be mature enough to know how to handle
it or stop.
This leads to a
third step of taking time to communicate
in order to work through issues.
While it is necessary to decide to like our girls and beneficial to remind our
self of our own shortcomings, this doesn’t mean we just move on and let things
go as they are. In fact, this is a prime time to face the issues at hand in
order to gain understanding. Listen. Ask questions. Engage with her emotions.
Then, share your feelings and thoughts so that she can see how her actions are
affecting others and how she can improve. Sometimes we need to confront the
unlikeable as we lead our girls. It may take time and several attempts but they
are listening and most girls do want to know how they can be the best they can
be.
In fact, my mom
and I had a talk like this just a few years. She and I were frustrated with
each other. So, we talked it out. It took three hours and many tears to work
through how she thought I was controlling and I thought she was careless but it
worked. We both ended it feeling understood. And we also knew we both had
things to work to improve.
Finally, when all
has been done, think outside your own
personality. Sometimes we just don’t like our daughter because she has a
different personality. There are some things about girls that are a part of who
they are! I am amazed at how my five girls can all be born within seven years
and each can be so unique! I have had to accept that while some things need to
be changed, there are other things that are just personality.
For example, one
night I burned the rice at dinner but served it anyway to see if anyone
noticed. Well, they did. And each one had a comment. My oldest said logically,
“Mom, the rice is burnt because you got distracted with laundry.” My second
girl responded, “Yes, but its okay because we all make mistakes, mom, and I
still love you.” The next one wasted no time and spit out the food while
saying, “Yuck! That is terrible!” Her younger sister took note and said,
“Thanks for making it mom but I am NOT even going to taste it!” And of course,
my toddler just played with the rice happily. It was just a matter of their
personalities. Sometimes, it’s just easy and fun celebrating who they are and
how they see life!
Overall, learning
to like the daughter you love may feel like the ending words of the “Maria”
song that ask, “How do you hold a
moonbeam in your hand?” but I believe we can. We can like them as we do all
when know to do then simply embrace the fact that, like us, “She’s a GIRL!”
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