This letter to God was one I wrote back in 2014 when we had the biggest transition of our lives. I am just now sharing it as it takes time to share some things. Although we did go on to add another baby and a dog (life is funny like that) I am enjoying this pace that is primarily in my heart and mind in the midst of our new ministry work. Living at rest is priceless!
"Lord, it's me. Casey. I love You so much. I know we talk a lot but I wanted to write what I am feeling. And I believe others will connect with You as I share my heart. The past six weeks have been life-changing. Thank you for being with us in detailed ways as we have transitioned from being on staff at the church for twenty years. Thank you for the people that have encouraged us and blessed us in notes and gifts. They are sent from You and we don't take them for granted. This has been a divine time with You, Lord. And yet, what is a girl to do when she feels so much?
I have known my place and purpose my whole life. It was home, school, music and sports growing up. It has been marriage, motherhood, and ministry for some time now. Those things were challenging to me. I had to learn them and work hard for them. There were so many new things to conquer and do. Whether it was communication with Scotty, birthing babies, or leading at church, there was plenty of learning and doing.
But this time in my life is so strange. So I am seeking You on what to do with it. Our marriage is settled and blessed. My babies are born and growing. Our ministry has changed and there isn't a specific function for me to conquer yet. So what is up? Where is the adreneline? Where is my challenge? What is this? REST? You say, it's called "rest"? How can I stop when the world is in need and I must work! Work! Work!
Rest. A season of rest. Interesting, Lord. Sounds sinful based on my pattern of doing and thinking for over 30 years. Could this be from You? A period in my life where You literally just want me to do what I know to do and do it well? There is nothing new to chase or figure out? Do you seriously want me to simply rest? This is what Your word says in Ps. 116: 7 "I said to myself, 'relax and rest as God has showered you with blessings'..." but it seems unfamiliar.
Does this mean I can just open my Bible and enjoy it instead of prepare to teach? Does this mean I can sleep without grinding my teeth from the stress of so many details to not forget? Does this mean I can sit on my back porch swing and not feel like I am wasting time? Does this mean when I pray my mind is clear rather than cloudy from distractions of everything else? Does this mean when I choose a book it doesn't have to be one on how to survive in home, motherhood, and ministry? Does this mean You are okay with this? If so, this is amazing. This is almost too good to be true. And yet, I know this is what you have for me right now.
All I feel in my spirit these days is to be with You and take care of the things I already have in my life. No drive for more. No seeking things to conquer. No looking for fulfillment in the action and adventure. Just rest. Rest in You.
This isn't easy for me. But I am here. Let's do it. For many years I know I have obeyed by working hard for all You told me to do. And now I will pour myself into resting. This is Your plan. This is Your will. This is Your way. It isn't wrong. It isn't selfish. It isn't wasting time. This is what you want. You are using me and speaking to me in this.
Help me to take a deep breath and be with you in a Mary spirit. May I fellowship with You as it was when Jesus pulled away and met with you as part of Your plan. May I sit at Your feet and weep. May I calapse in Your arms as I lay out my heart before You. May I embrace being away from all I have ever known. May I be at peace with less. May I rest for as long as You desire. Your rest is best.